Longing…God, now I remember how this hurts
“God has no hobbies,” my surgeon. I have no idea what this means and I’ve been pondering it.
I like to consider myself intellectual…well, smart. Why can’t I figure that quote out? Wow, I’ve been a crazy mess lately. Where to begin? How about the fact that I was hospitalized – again? Here are the details:
7/29-8/1: Hospital for surgery
8/6-8/10: Hospital for bleeding
8/23-8/26: Hospital for ???
1. The fear I’m experiencing at considering what this out-of-pocket portion will be is freaking me out.
2. I’m missing work – which I guess is necessary because I’m still a mess (I cry all the time).
3. In being stuck at home – alone – I’m lost in my WILD thoughts, or should I say fantasies. Very dangerous.
Okay, so I’m on leave from work because I’m just a bit (sarcasm) of a mess. It isn’t so much that I still have horrible cramping at times followed by disgusting bathroom experiences that would be embarassing if I had to do that at work; it is that I am mentally/emotionally human pulp. How did that happen? Well, I’ve kinda been wrapped up with feeling like I’m dying at times. My heart gets racing, I’m throwing up, I can’t catch a good breath…and I don’t think that it is a panic attack. I think my body is resisting its newly formed biological make up. I don’t blame it, one whole month of eating mush and that is a depressing experience too.
But look on the bright side. The pants that were tight on me last April now fall right off. I’ve lost weight. Maybe thirty pounds in thirty days. I wonder how much was fluid? Anyway, I’m reeling and I now know what a full-blown transference is like. Transference? As in, I think that I feel like I’m in love with my 18 year older than me doc.
I understand that this is all some psychological coping mechinism in play, but what if I really am falling for this older man? Here is the way it worked out. I first met him in January and thought that he was really cool. He dresses decently and has a little bit of that surgical cockiness that exudes confidence. In other words, I get that “he is the shit,” because he knows it and shows it. I wasn’t fantasizing about him at that point because it was just one little appointment. Whatever. I did catch up again in July as I was trying to pull everything together for the operation. The more that I saw him the more handsome and sexy he got.
He has a great head of salt and pepper hair. His smile is charming and reassuring. He is well read, well spoken, and cultural. He is GREAT shape, looking better than a lot of guys my age. He is slender framed and looks like someone who runs and does yoga. I’m guessing that he drives a decent car – probably German and black. He has a boat – not sure how big, but it seems like a significant part of who he is. He is on fb, but I haven’t friended him because that would be ultra creeper. He shares some of my spiritual complexities. He is a dad, but also divorced. I heard that the divorce was tough. Maybe he is seeing someone, I would guess so because he is a catch, but he also works like ALL the time, so I’m not sure how much of a personal life he has. Lastly, the thing that grabbed my heart right out of my chest…he is on his way to Africa to climb Kilamanjaro. THIS, this is something that I’ve wanted to do for almost 15 years! I love Africa! I’ve written about it, studied the early humans there, even tried to learn a couple of African languages. There is a part of me that wants to live in Africa – would it be safe. And he is going there…doing something right at the tippy top of my bucket list. Wow! So, transference or not, I think I’m in love.
I think how strange it would be to bridge that doctor-patient gap. Could I ask to been followed up by some other doctor in the group so that there would be no conflict? Could I sign some sort of pre-nup type thing so he would know that I’m absolutely not a gold-digger? Could he get past the age difference? I know I could…but would he even be the least bit flattered by the passions of a thrity-something for him? I could see the ways that we could spend time together….well, besides the obvious way. We could travel! I’m an awesome traveler! We could crash on a couch together with each of us reading our own book. I could dress up and look stunning in order to attend fancy events with him. We could go to farmers’ markets and pick up fresh foods to cook together. We could go to concerts in the city. We could learn tantra practices…and practice them. We could volunteer together. There are more ways that I think we would be great. I’ve played out the scenarios in my head a million different ways. Then the reality that he would probably never be interested strikes and left feeling lonely and sad.
That is the thing about fantasies, they suck when you allow reality back in. The reality is that I still feel like crap, I’m still pretty emotional, and I think that I hate my career right now. I’m working for a department chair who is simply mean. I’m not a mean person – I’m a little nutty – but I’m not mean. I don’t do well with mean, passive-aggressive types. I’m longing for adventure and passion so bad that it hurts. I haven’t felt a flicker of it until now. And this “feeling” is all connected to a fantasy…what a shame.
But, still, a girl can dream….dream of that white knight in green scrubs coming to her rescue, checking her vitals, and making love to her in between his rounds. Why did I have to have this added mental mess too? At least it cracks me up…it is funny. I think if God did have a hobby it would be in turning my goofy life into some sort of heavenly sit-com.
