Re-creating my physical self
“The nearest way to glory is to strive to be what you wish to be thought to be.” – Socrates
“In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
I think that the idea of creating one’s self is pretty relevant to me right now. I’m starting over, in a way. I had bariatric surgery, totally elective, and now I have to reform my relationship with food, and, in doing so, I will hopefully reshape my body. I’m eating pureed proteins and drinking only water. As a newborn, our diet is similar. There isn’t variety because our system needs just the basics. I actually like this “just the basics” mentality.
Sure, I find myself having cravings. Who wouldn’t after half a lifetime of indulgence? I’m motivated right now. I have no choice really in the matter. I’m biologically wired to reject crap. If I eat too much sugar I don’t have the digestive tract to process it so I’ll get sick. If I eat too much and/or too fast I don’t have the size of stomach to handle that so I’ll reject that and get sick. Knowing that, I’m motivated. Our psychological make up is so obvious here. I like food, I like eating, I hate throwing up. Out of those three the most powerful of the expressions is I hate throwing up. It is that notion that overrides everything else. So now, finally, I’m motivated…by fear. Too bad I wasn’t motivated by the fear of acquiring certain deseases, spending a life alone, that I didn’t whip that “I love food, I like eating” monster into submission years ago. Those costs just seemed so far off and way too faint. Yet, the shock of knowing that I’ll get sick is now driving the bus, makes the behavior switch. It is amazing!
As part of the surgery, I have had a lot of quiet and meditative time to spend alone in thought. I am aware that I am shaping myself, my world, my path. I am going to try and be much more reverent at that notion. I want to say that this year will be unlike any year that I’ve lived before. I want to be proactive this year. I want to better identify my hopes and dreams and really go after them. Mostly, I want to know that I didn’t just spend over $100,000 of insurance money (probably more) in doing something as drastic as what I did in order to still do the same ‘ole, same ‘ole. I’m starting over. That means I must do things differently. Even just a shift in my eating habits and relationship to food is enough to kick of a ripple effect into other aspects of my life. It must.
Ok, here is a little confession. I don’t think people read this blog anyway so I’ll throw this tid-bit in here. I might really be smitten with an older man (like 18 years older than me). I wouldn’t have ever thought that to be possible. He acts way younger, is healthy, fit, intelligent beyond belief, and just cool as hell. Of course it is all in my head and he is purely professional in dealing with me. I don’t think the thought of me would ever, ever cross his mind. But, since I’m dabbling with the idea of creating here, I just may have to turn on a little flirt. My very good friend, the kind that has seen me through the “crushes” and bombed out remains of poorly executed relationships would tell me, “uh oh” at this point. I’m feeling rather safe in the notion that there is ABSOLUTELY no possibility that anything would even come from a little eyelash batting. So, who knows, we shall see. Lord knows it has been several years since there has been any man cross my path that peaks my interest. I’m so picky and have some pretty high expectations. Anyway, it is fun to at least enetertain the imagination of what a relationship with him could be like. I actually think it would be quite awesome. And, good for him, having a younger – much younger woman – especially one who has re-constructed her body and looks/acts even younger than her mid-thirties age. Isn’t that some universal mid-life guy thing? Ok, this has wandered and is in no way representative of the intellectual writing that I normally put on this blog. Thus, I must end it and hope that I can keep my mission in mind. The mission about re-creating myself…not the mission of crushing an older man. C’mon, gotta get my head out of the clouds and back in the game!
