craving
“In the cessation of craving, we touch that dimension of experience that is timeless: the playful, unimpeded contingency of things emerging from conditions only to become conditions for something else. This is emptiness: not a cosmic vacuum but the unborn, undying, infinitely creative dimension of life….But no sooner is it glimpsed than it is gone. Cessation of craving is like a momentary gap in the clouds.” – Stephen Batchelor Buddhism Without Beliefs.
Batchelor’s book is absolutely one of my favorites. I’ve often recommended it to people who ask me questions about Buddhism. The title alone is especially disarming to someone like me raised in an intense Catholic family. I found this book the other day and flipped through it to look at what I had dog-eared. The quote above was one.
Not only does it speak to the human condition at large, but also to the neurotic tendencies of a person suffering from an eating disorder. Yes, here is another confessional. I am a compulsive over-eater. That is not just eating like ten Oreos; rather eating the whole package of Oreos, in one sitting, while also noticing that the package has changed and there aren’t as many Oreos in a package anymore. I’ve spanned a range of self-destructive behavior: eating so much as to make myself sick, eating almost nothing at all to make myself (apparently) better, and binging my way through impulsive purchases mounding up the debt. As mentioned before, I was recently (like within the previous year) diagnosed as Bi-Polar II…a sneakier, lighter version of Bi-Polar disorder. I originally sought out my own therapy for panic attacks that left me riddled, sitting alone in bank parking lots, gasping for air, forgetting and unable to focus on my day to day agenda, and crying hysterically (always alone) at bizarre times, like seeing a used Honda for sale on the side of the road and thinking, “how sad, it isn’t at home in the driveway feeling wanted or useful anymore.” This was not typical so I knew something was up.
Following an initial diagnosis of major depressive disorder I began talk-therapy and drug-therapy to work my way through what has been a well-contained and supremely-disguised mental mess tracing back to before I had words to express myself. It has been, and continues to be, a very slow-going and touchy process. Fortunately, the Universe provided me the right caretakers to help me along and I am much, much more aware and patient with all of it. In researching the family history, I discovered an apparent genetic link, going back two generations. This is, of course, not surprising considering the nature versus nurture argument. And, like the chicken and the egg, the two conditions are completely intertwined. It was nature that passed down the genes, and the nurturing (or lesser extent) that perpetuated interpersonal connections from the get go. That is not assigning blame – there is no fault for something that is a situation for which nothing else could have been done…everyone did what they thought was the best choice at that moment, and I was not the victim of any outward malicious intent. I do not blame, I only seek to see a whole perspective so that I can understand, mourn, move forward, and break patterns.
Yet, in all of this reflection the one thing I’ve been completely fearful of, seems to be swallowing me whole. Since I was in third grade, I have resolved myself to never, ever wind up like my parent. A parent riddled by mental and physical woes, defined by them, and defeated by them. I saw it happen and vowed I would be stronger, different, and above all, positive. This mission never paled throughout the years.
That is, until this past week when I was just diagnosed with RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis). I had been so sore for the past six months that I finally started to say something to my internist. Prior to that I was popping Advils, staying awake at nights in pain, and resigning my pain to symptoms associated with my hypothyroidism, depression, and weight gain from the eating disorder. I sound like a real catch now don’t I? Wow, typing all that is so gross! Anyway, the bloodtests, X-rays, and exams all confirmed that I had followed my parent into the RA realm. Oh my God!!!
The news isn’t shocking considering the genetic link. However, it does suck since I’ve seen firsthand the degree to which this disease attacks one’s vitality. I have high hopes that we caught it early and that the medicine to treat and arrest its advance has evolved considerably since the 1980’s when RA came into my third grade world. I didn’t cry when the doctor told me (although I teared up when I got into my car and sat alone in the parking lot with a huge rainstorm pelting my vehicle). I asked questions and saw the situation like a game plan. I’m trying to accomplish health and the RA is my opponent trying to push me into surrender. I saw my parent surrender and nothing – nothing – good came of it. I will try to fight, and fight I must. This diagnosis does not mean I’m doomed into realizing a fear that possessed me when I was only a third grader. At that age, how could I understand or even find the empathy within my self-centered world to tolerate a parent who could not shower me with 100% attention and positive, warm fuzzies?
Maybe my fear is immature? Maybe I need to appreciate it for what it was to a kid at that time. Having RA doesn’t mean that I failed myself. It is what it is – genetics and bad odds, something I’ve already been dealing with, something that I fight and refuse to surrender to. Even though I might not ever enjoy playing a pain-free point in tennis anymore doesn’t mean I can’t still try to play for the pure fun of it? I shouldn’t beat myself up over that, even though my perfectionist will try to, “c’mon, you know you can hit it harder, better, fancier than that.” How about, “hey, look at that, I have RA and can still hit – period.”
So back to the quote. I didn’t forget, I was getting to it. Craving, for me, is never being satisfied. I fall short of satisfaction all the time and hence my world is drowned in one craving after another for all kinds of things from food, to material goods, to unrealistic expectations of the people I have and don’t have in my world.
I have an interesting reflection about how that quote can work though. I had a purely unplanned day last Saturday. I woke to a nice, warm, sunny morning. I felt rested and a need to just get out and cruise around. There was nothing on my agenda, so everything that happened all day long was just there because my lack of craving anything else to be there allowed the room for it. It all started by releasing plans and expectations – for everything. I doubt that I can tap into that on a frequent basis, it was so completely out of character for me. But, what a cool day I ended up having. Couldn’t have planned for that.
Our culture is a culture of craving; especially thanks to Madison Avenue. We are bombarded with messages that trigger our craving brain (The Craving Brain – also a great book, interesting evolutionary take on the science of why we crave). Even with the symptomatic pain of RA, which I crave to be free of every time I move (including typing this right now), I can work toward its cessation. I might not be free of the pain, but can I free myself from craving something else? How do I do that? Meditation? Sure, why not? I have heard stories about mind over matter…patients re-imagining their pain as pleasure. And if I am so wrapped up in wanting something, I may miss the opportunity for something else to be present in my life. So I have problems, who doesn’t? Isn’t that what it all boils down to?
There are people out there who would trade their horrible circumstances to have my life: aches, pains, neuroses and all. I can only try my best to be a good person – living for moments to shine rather than coping in a state of despair. I need to really, really work on that. Luckily, I have some great people to help me do that. I will be okay, I have everything I need – I should crave nothing more.
You certainly have a gift for expressing what’s going on inside you. I can relate to your post on many levels, I too was raised in a Catholic family and have experienced depression and loads of self destructive behavior in my past. I was also a great reader of the beats, particularly of Jack Kerouac and Ginsberg. I imagine that the challenges you are facing with an eating disorder, RA, depression etc., must be a real cross, and it’s good you’re using the resources available to you.
It was through the beats that I became interested in Buddhism – I’m not sure if that was your introduction – I sat regularly at a Zen center in Long Beach and met very sincere, caring people. I was very interested in the idea of becoming unattached to my mind and its thoughts. Although it was a spiritual as well as an intellectual search, it was also a way of trying to heal pain, anxiety, anger and sadness within me that just wouldn’t let up, even after I married a wonderful woman. In addition to Zazen, my search included novel writing, psychedelic drug experimentation, New Age dabbling, therapist visits, radical politics, Prozac, traveling abroad and vegetarianism (briefly), yet noting seemed to work. I often turned back to works by Jack Kerouac or Gary Snyder to see why things never did work out for me – why the idea of a void, was well, just an empty void.
In the end, to my utter surprise (and lots of initial resistance) I slowly found myself returning to the Catholic Church, where I found an intellectual, cosmological and spiritual reality that slowly healed my pain, my marriage and my relationship to the past. It has also made me realize that for the goodness of the beat writers, their rejection of any idea of objective morality, wasn’t intellectually sound or workable in my own life. Jack Kerouac, as you surely know, was raised Catholic in Massachusetts, and I wonder if his life might not have ended so tragically if he’d stuck with the faith of his upbringing.
You talk about craving. And I understand the Buddhist idea that this craving is just a thought – don’t attach to it – and you’ll be fine. But what if your heart is craving something it was designed to crave? You’re right that Madison Avenue takes advantages of our cravings, by offering us junk food for the soul. But what if there was something or someone (real nutrition so to speak) you could give your hear to satisfy your craving. This is where Buddhism doesn’t quite deliver for me.
I wish you all the best in your healing process; your search for the truth is commendable and worthy of great respect. On your journey, please don’t rule out Catholicism. In its 2,000 years of experience with the human condition, it has learned a few things about human suffering. Even just sitting in the empty pews of a Catholic Church on a lonely fall afternoon does such great wonders for the soul!
God bless you!
Rob